Self compassion
For as long as I can remember, I’ve prided myself on my perseverance and internal drive to get things done. My school reports were brimming with words like ‘conscientious’, ‘diligent’ and ‘hardworking’. I think at some point, I began to identify with the words, and do my best, or do anything really, to ensure they kept coming my way. Maybe as a young, relatively quiet child, it was a way to stand out and be noticed. The positive reinforcement from my hardworking humble parents and the accolades in front of my cohort felt like a spotlight I desired. In a world I didn’t know what I wanted to do, It was like a pat on the back for fitting in and exceeding what was expected. The problem with all the external validation, is that eventually it clouds your ability to listen inwards. You make decisions based on what others would value and what would be most helpful. You ignore your gut instincts and your own critical thinking to accommodate what the majority around you believe. I’m lucky to have kept a mindfulness practice through yoga, journaling and meditation throughout the years, which have allowed me to tap into my body and mind. However, it’s definitely paid a price, and grated at me to have to compromise on my time, energy and resources on work I don’t value.
Fast forward to ten years in the corporate workforce, a environment brimming with external validation and a constant need to manage up, and I’ve had a lot of trouble these past few weeks, adjusting to the open time and searching for the internal drive that I know exists… somewhere. The only validation is the belief in my work, my words and my characters. It has to be enough.
I’m beyond grateful that I’ve made this opportunity of a lifetime, a time to get stuck into the work I want to do more than anything in the world. But I won’t sugarcoat it and pretend my transitions been smooth sailing. More than any one thing that is stopping me, it’s been my own mind and inability to focus for long bouts of time. I have a sense of awareness with maybe some added benefits from coming out of Vipassana, however the output has been slow. All the crazy ideas of launching chapter by chapter or sharing the process and now, like a dear in the headlights, I feel the fear building and I feel I need to dive in, before I get cold feet. And I will. But the path there is riddled with hestitation. The worst part about feeling stuck creatively, is that you need a large amount of activation energy to just get going. Your ability to do the work, is so closely tied to your sense of self and your mental health, the activation energy feels like trying to start a car with a double A battery.
I realise, it’s a fools game to wait for inspiration or motivation. I’ve worked long enough to know that to get things done, there’s a level of discipline and parameters needed. To overcome my hesitation, I’ve narrowed down to a handful of daily wins or five pillars to check off each day, no matter how small. Move, Breath, Create, Connect, Learn.
I’ve realised that recently my internal chatter is riddled with self doubt and constant questioning of my ability. I’m taking this moment to acknowledge them and meet them with compassion. The (old?) adage that we would never treat anyone as bad as we treat ourselves resonates so true to me.
I’ll take today as a new opportunity to make progress. I hope everyone is taking count of their own mental health, and showing yourselves extra kindness when you need it.
Ro
