Day 11: Why We Shouldn't Be So Obsessed With 'Self Care'
Growing up, society has widely told us to 'help yourself' before helping others. It's drilled into us and commonly accepted that we should prioritise our own wellbeing; our sleep, nutrition, hobbies, connections. Only then will we be balanced enough to help another.
"Always secure your oxygen mask first before securing it for those around you."
"In order to support your team and be there for everyone around you, you need to start with yourself."
"Parents who don't practice self care will burn out caring for all those around them."
All well intended, but in which situations does this mindset actually not benefit us? How much self-care do we need to practice before we are ready to help another? Especially when the selfless work and care seems endless.
These analogies present unrealistic assumptions that the other person, whether that be a family member, child, friend, colleague, direct report, {insert title}, are static beings. That they will patiently wait until we are well rested and ready to help. Only then can we finally show up to assist. That is not how life works.
When we take an internal vs external approach to operating effectively in the changing environment that is our life, we will never feel fully ready to meet the challenge or seize the opportunities that arise.
Sorry to break it to you, the world does not revolve around you (universal-you, not you-you, gentle reader). And I'm writing this to myself as much as I am to you, so don't be offended.
I'd like to introduce you to the psychological theory of motivation, shared by father of Positive Psychology, Martin Seligman. It shares the three dimensions of motivation for each human being, that build upon each other to help define a greater purpose in what we do. If we find purpose in what is demanded of us, we are happier and overall more resilient, even when the work or life challenges are tough.
The dimensions are:
The Pleasant Life - appreciating and valuing the basic pleasures of life; things such as companionship, nature, bodily needs
The Good Life - finding our unique strengths, growing our self awareness, reflecting on our actions
The Meaningful Life - the process of aligning our values and unique strengths for a greater purpose than ourselves
So how does this relate to helping others? When we are approaching life in a more fluid way to develop purpose around our actions, i.e. not focused on individual mindsets (us vs them), or altruistic mindsets (downplay individuals and focus only on helping others), we are better able to meet the situation. We are able to care for ourselves and others simultaneously {insert mind-blown emoji}.
Understanding our motivations and finding purpose in what we do will help us act. It's how social workers, homeless shelter volunteers and inspiring leaders can work crazy hours and face numerous set backs day after day - yet continue to show up without being burnt out. They have a purpose.
Dealing with mental illness and drug addiction in my family, the 'self care' approach never felt realistic. I wasn't going to go take a bubble bath, or obsess about my food macros when emotions and support needs were so high. It was only when I aligned myself to a purpose of seeing this person stable and well, that I was able to focus on being present enough to help, and help myself. That's when my perspective and the situation started to shift.
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Sometimes volunteering and helping others, is the honest to god best way to help yourself. From that lens, it wouldn't make sense to focus on your own self care before helping others in need.
Red cross, Vinnies, Environmental Support groups, maybe in your case a loved one, they all need help now and volunteering can give us all more perspective about how each of us are interconnected.
Ultimately, we all want to spend time on this planet well. I hope we can all pursue the find and create purpose in our lives, and that we can meet whatever situation you find yourself in.
