Why Should Leads to Shame
I should be more productive.
I should work out today.
I should have my life together by now.
Sound familiar?
Despite it sounding harmless, the word should often carries the weight of self-imposed shame. It pretends to motivate us while actually setting us up to feel bad about ourselves god-forbid we fall a millimetre short of our expectations.
My husband and I are currently organising a 100-day BBQ for our son, and it’s a pressure cooker of emotions. Amid the planning, I’ve caught myself thinking, “I should be more organised.” “I should have bought more decorations.” “I should have started this weeks ago.” These “should” statements creep in subtly, but they quickly spirals into self-doubt and shame.
For me, high expectations are often at the root of this internal dialogue. So many of us set standards for ourselves—some realistic, others impossibly high—and when we fall short, it’s easy to feel like we’ve failed. The 100-day BBQ isn’t just about celebrating our son; it’s become a reflection of my own capability as a parent and host. I catch myself worrying about how everything will turn out, whether the decorations will look good, or if the food will impress. Also if there will be enough or if people will be bored. Beneath it all, there’s this unspoken pressure to prove that I’m capable, that I’m doing enough, that I’m enough.
Changing the Language Around Shame
I realise now that “should” statements rarely help. They don’t solve problems or encourage us—they just amplify guilt. Instead of focusing on what we’ve done well or what’s truly important, they zero in on where we think we’re falling short. And when our expectations of ourselves are sky-high, those gaps between reality and perfection can feel overwhelming.
Instead of asking, What should I do?, I’ve started asking, What do I need right now? What feels right for me and the situation?
For example:
• Instead of, I should have gotten a caterer, I ask, What recipes do I want to use and How can I make the best dishes I can within my ability?
This small shift in language can make a world of difference. It turns the conversation inward and onto what’s possible.
Another strategy is to remind myself to step back and reframe the narrative. Instead of saying, feeling, or thinking that “I should have done more,” I ask, “What matters most here?” For the BBQ, it’s not about impressing anyone with Architectural Digest worthy details—it’s about celebrating a milestone in my son’s life, being surrounded by loved ones, and creating a memory we’ll treasure.
When we let go of the “shoulds,” we make room for grace. Grace to be imperfect. Grace to embrace our guests with authenticity, especially when these events are few and far between. And grace to recognise that our intentions and efforts are enough, even when things don’t go exactly as planned.
