The Secrecy and Shame – Living with an Invisible Struggle (Mindfulness+ED pt. 3)
Secrecy and shame are intertwined with disordered eating. These disorders thrive in silence, feeding off isolation and fear. The deeper you fall, the more vulnerable you become. It is an illness that is often misunderstood and judged harshly by others, which only deepens the shame experienced by those suffering. Eating disorders are not a choice or a matter of vanity; they are complex mental illnesses that entangle themselves in a person's identity and sense of self-worth. I experienced this first hand for the better part of a decade, only surfacing when a new opportunity or event led me to lift my head above the sand and reevaluate the life I didn’t want to lose.
Society’s stigma around eating disorders makes seeking help even harder. The narrative that those struggling are simply being superficial or lacking willpower invalidates the deep psychological turmoil behind the behaviour. This judgment pushes individuals further into isolation, reinforcing the belief that their struggles are something to be hidden.
Dr. Brené Brown, a leading researcher on shame and vulnerability, describes shame as the most destructive emotion we can experience. She argues that shame thrives in secrecy and silence, making it particularly insidious for those struggling with disordered eating. According to Brown, “Shame needs three things to grow exponentially in our lives: secrecy, silence, and judgment.” When we believe our struggle makes us unworthy, we retreat further into ourselves, convinced that revealing our pain will only lead to rejection.
This was my reality. Shame became a self-perpetuating force. The more I struggled, the more I hid it. The more I hid it, the more ashamed I became. I convinced myself that no one would understand, that my disorder was a sign of personal failure rather than a legitimate illness. It is this disconnect that causes further isolation.
I became an expert at crafting a façade that made it seem like I had it all together, while inside, I was trapped in a cycle of guilt, fear, and self-punishment. As Brown emphasizes, the antidote to shame is empathy—the ability to share our experiences with those who can hold space for us without judgment. But when you are buried in secrecy, the idea of vulnerability feels impossible.
Breaking free from this cycle requires courage. It means challenging the shame by speaking the truth—first to ourselves and then, when we are ready, to others who can support us. The next part I’ll share more about the exhausting dual life I led, the lengths I went to conceal my battle, and how secrecy became both my protection and my prison.
Healing begins in the light. And the first step is daring to let ourselves be seen.
