Reserving Kindness For Our Favourite People
It’s one of life’s ironies, that we often reserve our charm and grace for colleagues and fleeting strangers, while our closest companions sometimes (or often) get the grumpy, exhausted and in my case, sarcastic versions of us. In a recent conversation with some friends (all inspiring, strong ladies), we reflected on how easy it is to take those dearest to us for granted. It’s like we’re keeping our kindness currency in a bank, only using the keycard for brief interactions scattered throughout our day. I’ve been pondering this behaviour and why this tends to be the case for so many of us.
In our recent conversation, a close friend of mine, a true corporate powerhouse, who can network with potential clients and business magnates with the charisma of a Hollywood star, reflected on how she often greets her partner with but a quick peck and a tyranny of demands. Such a paradox. It’s not intentional, of course — she doesn’t mean to be a demanding and low energy. In the moment, she isn’t able to withhold her raw emotions and frustrations and when he’s not around, she feels worse for her behaviour.
We’ve all been there. Life’s demands and uncertainties associated with being an adult can leave us feeling anxious and on-edge. When we’re with our loved ones, we get to come out from under the external facade that we carry throughout our daily interactions and reveal our anxieties and raw emotions. Who better to witness this transformation than our loved ones, who end up sometimes unfortunately in the firing line?
Showing kindness to others is an important social currency. I believe that a small kindness to a stranger can go a long way. It’s important to remember though, that friends and family are our true gems, and worthy of the same thought. They care deeply, they’re the ones who see us at our worst and still love us. In a world bursting with seven billion people, these connections inject meaning and purpose into our existence. So then, it should be as natural as breathing to shower them with kindness and affection, right?
How often do you actually give your partner a warm smile?
When we talk about kindness, it’s often defined as selflessly helping others, with no expectation of receiving anything in return. We beam at our barista, applaud a colleague’s work, and lend an ear to a acquaintance. But what about our friends and family? We often have a different bar for them and load them with expectations that we associate with our relationship. We don’t approach them with the same lens that we do the strangers, which makes showing kindness that much more meaningful.
Unfiltered vs. Worst Self
It’s both a blessing and a curse to have our loved ones see all of us. They see the best side of us and the less patient and often curt sides of our personalities. Psychological studies even reveal that we sometimes unleash direct (nagging, demands) and indirect (passive-aggressiveness) aggression on our closest ones because we think they can handle it. Essentially, we treat them like the punching bags of our emotions.
Think about that. We’re basically being our worst selves to our favourite people, just because they will “tolerate” it. What a twisted way of showing affection.
Imagine An Alternate Reality with Your Loved Ones
Wouldn’t it be better if we lit up when our partner entered the room? Or greeted our parents with hugs that radiate love? Maybe we should meet our friends with the energy we save for the coffee meeting with a client?
I’m not advocating for us to don masks and put up fronts before of our loved ones. But it’s about acknowledging how our autopilot treatment of our loved ones can be harmful. Time is precious, and in our busy lives, amid countless demands, it’s vital to sprinkle our loved ones with kindness and appreciation.
These are a few tips about how we can show more kindness and love on our favourite people:
Practice Stoicism — imagine life without them
This can sound morbid and negative, but that’s exactly what makes it a strong practice. In my daily meditations, I can experience the huge hole my life would have without the presence and love from my family and cloest friends. This makes me feel a sense of immense gratitude and love for them and the time that I have with them. I’m able to be more present and consciously show my appreciation for them.
Feel and Show Gratitude for Their Actions
Ever notice the small gestures from your partner, like making you a cup of tea or opening the door for you? Maybe it’s a friend, listening to your latest quandary. It’s so easy to take for granted these actions from our loved ones, when we are in the thick of our own personal turmoil. Yet, the small actions are acts of love that we should take more time to acknowledge. Noticing these actions give us opportunities for us to show gratitude. It can be as simple as conveying your gratitude for their actions through a heartfelt “thank you.” By sharing gratitude and being aware of their actions, you are less likely to “attack” your loved ones. It comes back twofold, as it also helps future difficult conversations become more meaningful and fruitful.
Be Present — The Game-Changer
Quality time together requires presence and curiosity. No matter how tired, grumpy or impatient that I feel, nothing turns that around and shows my partner that I care more, than by being present.
When I am present, I have the space to appreciate that they are a human being, just like me who is experiencing their own life challenges and insecurities. Presence is the key to showing love and gratitude, as it helps to create space and intentions from your actions.
I switch off that smartphone, turn away from the screen, and just listen. Listen with compassion and love by remembering that the words that my loved ones share, convey how they feel, and this is important to me.
Amongst all the chaos of work and life, it’s important we don’t forget to scatter kindness where it’s most needed. It takes effort to ensure our loved ones feel like they are the most important people in our lives. While it’s beautiful that they get the full access to see us at our worst, it’s not a free pass to treat them worse than we treat a mere stranger or colleague.
By expressing kindness in your relationships, even when you’re venting or airing frustrations, we are paving the way for those close to us to listen and understand us. Kindness gets your needs met.
