Day 13: Maybe Jedi's Just Have Super High EQ (pt.2 of importance of EQ)
Super-fans of Star Wars will throw imaginary lightsabers at me. I'm making the case that Jedi's are actually super emotionally intelligent beings, and the force is their employment of it, giving them superhuman ability to influence those around them. Jedi's are characterised by their selfless devotion to the Force and commitment to using it to instil peace and justice in the galaxy. They require calm centring to channel their powers.
In a similar vein, developing and utilising Emotional Intelligence (EQ) requires a practice of centring and calm self-reflection, through means such as (but not exclusive to) meditation and active listening. It's through these practices that we are able to become more self-aware about our own innate tendencies and impulses and better regulate our emotions. Inevitably, as we become more self-aware, we become more in tune with others' emotions too.
You may think it's a bit of a stretch, linking higher EQ to mindfulness, but it's not really. The last decade of Mindfulness studies have shown us that mindfulness practices can lead to physical changes in our brains and neural pathways. These days, we're used to seeing immediate results and feedback, but this is one area that does not play by those rules. It is consistency and commitment to mindfulness that helps us build self-awareness and allows us to build our self-awareness. Awareness is key and the first step to being able to monitor and regulate ourselves despite our emotions. This translates to higher levels of EQ. Following along so far?
EQ is a super power. People respond better to those that empathise with what they are feeling. Leaders are more inspiring and relatable when they are demonstrate higher levels of EQ. Individual relationships are enhanced by active and empathetic listening.
I want to be clear, that being comfortable to talk about emotions and express yourself doesn't automatically make you a frontrunner for having high EQ. It's how we exercise that awareness and make conscious choices that translate to higher EQ.
Still doubting the super power abilities that having higher EQ will have on life? Tell me, in which of these situations would higher EQ not be beneficial?
Your friend just had a break up and comes to your door step crying
Your Partner in life begins withdrawing from your relationship and upon digging deeper, confides they feel you are not spending enough quality time with them
A stranger on Twitter tweets at you, attacking who you are as a person for supporting a political party you believe in
Spoiler, people will higher EQ will be able to navigate all situations in more productive ways. Let's go case by case.
For most in this situation, being empathetic would come naturally to console a dear friend. Heart break and break-ups are hard and bloody emotional. Your friend has been vulnerable and open to another person, for the potential of a happy and fulfilling partnership which didn't work out. As a friend, you can't fully know what your friend is going through, but you can empathise from your own experiences or your own knowledge of heart break. You can listen, comfort and be there for your friend to lighten the situation and help your friend back up on their feet. Higher EQ would allow us to read the situation and see what your friend is responding to, what they need in order to help them feel supported and stronger.
Alternatively, a demonstration of low EQ would be you hijacking the moment to share endless stories of shithead girl/boyfriends and trivialise the situation to a petty drama. You are neither being self-aware or situation aware.
Your partner tells you they don't think you are spending quality time with them, yet you've been spending every spare moment outside of your work and responsibilities with them, because you do prioritise time with them (input anger and defence spiral). It's easy to take statements at face value and feel personally attacked. EQ gives us the awareness that every conversation has three levels, like an iceberg. At the top, the content of what is actually being said; next, the feelings that are underlying those statements; and finally the identity and deeper insecurities for those emotions (am I worthy of love? am I competent? etc.). Instead of reacting and fighting fire with fire, people with higher EQ would be able to monitor this rise and perhaps approach the situation wth more curiosity. Asking themselves, why is my partner feeling like this? Is there something I'm missing that is causing them to perceive it? How can i communicate how I see the situation? What can I change going forward to validate how they feel and mitigate it?
Alternatively, demonstrating low EQ would be rising and getting defensive. Showing little compassion and sharing with much aspiration, how much you are juggling and how ungrateful they are for the time you do spend together. This type of exchange is only skimming the surface of what is actually being said and doesn't get to the root of why your partner is feeling a certain way, and what it is they actually need.
Keyboard warriors are everywhere (and I swear will lead to the downfall of us as a society, but that's another post). With such short and quick exchanges, we assume we know the full entirety of another being and who they are as people. Technology and the internet gives us the ability to reach out and connect with people all across the globe, yet it makes it easy to dehumanise that person on the other side of the screen. In this situation, higher EQ would help us identify that this is another person (maybe a father, sister, brother, friend) who is attacking out of a misunderstanding, lack of opportunities or maybe fear. We can identify that, yes, maybe our ego is bruised from the public slam by this random person, but we can also agree that jabbing back will not help the situation. We may ask why they feel the need to attack us, and take the time to share a line to educate them on our stance. You are able to turn the situation from potential blows, to a respectful response. Sure, in reality they may not reciprocate, in which case you can choose to mute and metaphorically walk away. We can take the high road.
Low EQ in this situation would be to attack them right back, having the situation escalate to immature jabs. The game of trying to hurt the other person's ego and build your own is unsustainable and pointless. We are not only creating rifts and conflict between strangers, we are demonstrating to other eyeballs that treating each other like enemies is how to operate in the world. This can really impact another persons world view.
Every situation has the potential to branch into infinite realities, depending on how we react.
This is the superpower of EQ and why it is way more important than we realise. It translates to Real. World. Outcomes. It doesn't stop our automatic responses and impulses, but it gives us an awareness and power to take a different path. Borrowing from Sylvia Plath's 'The Bell Jar', "I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked". Higher EQ can give us the ability to see and consider each fig (the responses) and select one. In potentially conflict ridden situations, we are able to actively listen to the words and consider what the other person is trying to convey, allowing us to better empathise, influence and manage the situation.
Perhaps 'using the force' is simply better reading of the room and meeting people where they are. With optional utilisation of the hand swipe, of course.
