Why Talking Isn’t Always Communicating
Communication, especially as adults, is surprisingly complicated. You’d think we’d have it figured out through our years of experience, but somehow it only seems to get messier and adulthood provides more opportunities to withdraw further into our own worldviews.
I used to believe that good communication was just about finding the right words. Say what you mean, mean what you say—simple, right? The truth is, words are just the surface and beneath them are so many layers—unspoken emotions, intentions, assumptions. And those layers? In my experience, it’s where things usually go wrong.
When we talk, we’re not just exchanging information. We’re bringing our inner selves (or maybe in some cases emotional baggage) into the conversation—our experiences, insecurities, and the stories we tell ourselves about the world.
I reflect on moments where I’ve said something, and the reaction wasn’t what I expected at all. What I meant and what the other person heard were worlds apart. It was almost as if we were speaking two different languages.
And then there are the times I’ve been on the receiving end. Someone says something, and it feels sharp, like a jab—only to realise later they didn’t mean it that way at all. It wasn’t their words that hurt; it was my own interpretation of them.
I used to facilitate a Mindfulness Course for Leaders called Search Inside Yourself (SIY) and in the course, we call this “layers of communication.” There’s the content (the words we say), the emotions behind them, the intentions we bring, and how the other person interprets it all. No wonder it feels so complicated. There’s so much “noise.”
So I’m taking some time to write down the uncommon wisdom that I believe are good reminders for all of us. A place to reflect on our own communication tendencies and skills.
1. Listening Isn’t Just Waiting to Talk
True listening means shutting off that inner dialogue and actually tuning into what the other person is saying. Trying to see it from their POV.
2. Intentions Matter, But So Does Delivery
I might mean well, but if my tone or timing is off, my message doesn’t land. It’s a humbling reminder that how you say something can matter just as much as what you’re saying.
3. Not Everything Needs an Answer
Some conversations aren’t about solving problems or being right. Sometimes, people just need to vent or feel heard. Learning to sit with that discomfort—without jumping in to fix things—is an important skill.
4. Apologising Is a Superpower
Miscommunication is inevitable. What matters is how you handle it afterward. A genuine “I’m sorry, I misunderstood” can go a long way to repair trust or mend the bridge.
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I’ve come to realise that communication will always be messy. People are complex, and no conversation happens in a vacuum. But that doesn’t mean we’re always destined to misunderstand each other.
I’ve found that the best conversations happen when I let my guard down—when I stop worrying about saying the perfect thing and focus on being present. When I approach the other person with curiosity instead of judgment. When I’m willing to admit I don’t have all the answers.
The next time a conversation feels frustrating, remember: it’s not just about what’s being said. Look beneath the surface. It’s important to consider the emotions, the intentions, and the assumptions on both sides. It might not make things easier, but it may help you to see the commonalities and increase the understanding.
Because at the end of the day, communication isn’t just about exchanging words—it’s about finding connection.
