Why Losing Habits Is An Important Part Of Self-improvement And How To Start Now
Modern self help resources are so often about building new habits and starting new practices. With dedication and persistence, these behaviours will (hopefully) become automatic and ingrained in our daily lives, accumulating into an improved lifestyle or added productivity. If done successfully, we won’t need to spend any brain energy or self talk to convince ourselves to journal every morning, remember our gratitude practice at night or to-and-fro about going to the gym.
Of course, building habits that will enrich your life, whether in the domain of health, wealth, wisdom or social connection is an important and valiant effort.
But just as with our wardrobes and homes, it’s important to stocktake and cut habits out. Throughout life, we pick up behaviours and develop automatic reactions to situations that, if we observe objectively may be causing us more harm than help. The act of stopping existing habits is an important part of self improvement that can exponentially improve the quality of our lives.
The Habit-Building Assumption
It’s assumed that building a habit, automatically helps us to ‘drop’ other habits by default. Eating an abundance of healthy foods and consistently going to the gym will steer us away from consuming processed junk, right? Reading a book before bed will stop us from doom scrolling through social media and the news, surely.
I’m here to highlight that it’s just as important to single out habits and behaviours that impair us and then intentionally work to stop it - without adding another behaviour into the mix. Changing our habit patterns is not and should not be confined to behaviours that we associate with obviously destructive behaviours such as addictions or substance abuse. It is also important for behaviours that are impacting us, such as (but not limited to):
Seeking external approval and validation from friends, family, society at large
Secretive and unobvious yet hugely damaging behaviours associated with food or other substances
Negative and gaslighting self talk that reduces self worth and self confidence, by making us avoid situations or act in certain ways
Many of us have developed behaviours to help us cope with past situations and stressors, that we continue to carry with us through life. It’s time we place just as much importance on stopping old habits and being self aware about our behaviours. This will give us the space and ability to foster change and a better chance at adopting new habits.
There is a certain glamour and a sense of unlimited possibility when it comes to building new habits. Unfortunately too often it works to hide or suppress existing behaviours. It’s only when I started to introspect deeply, and single out the behaviours I desire to stop that I’ve been able to shift my life and start building (successfully) onto a solid foundation.
I hope some of the concepts below can help you to cull back on the habit patterns that you wish to stop.
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To begin, you need to be real with yourself. What is a behaviour that is not serving you, yet you resort to regularly. Often, it’s something that we’re ashamed to share, even with our inner circle.
Having suffered from a variety of disordered eating patterns in my life (with varying levels of severity) over the past decade, I’ve had my fair share of habit driven behaviours that I needed to change. I have friends that have similar negative relationships with social media, online gaming, online shopping, gambling or even an aversion to sitting still.
What is that behaviour for you?
Equally important to identifying the habit you wish to change, is understanding your own unique WHY. Why do you want to stop this behaviour? The reason can be tied to your future vision and the life you want to create for yourself.
Personally, I’d built a habit of avoiding social situations and secretly purchasing indulgent groceries or take- out on my way home from work every evening. Eventually the impact on my finances caught up with me, and even more apparent was my loneliness and loss of many important connections as a result. Really considering the bigger picture and my desire to rebuild my network and gain control of my life, lead me to change me behaviours using some of the concepts of losing a habit below.
There are many helpful concepts commonly discussed in self-help content, around building new habits. I’ll highlight the titles in popular culture and help to flip it around to highlight how we can use it to lose a particular habit (without the pressure of building or adding something new).
"The Power of Habit" by Charles Duhigg
Duhigg introduces the habit loop, which consists of three components: the cue, the routine, and the reward. The idea is, by identifying the cues that trigger a habit, we can replace the routine with a new behaviour, and ensure a reward to reinforce the habit. This (in theory) should strengthen our tendency toward the new behaviour.
Using it to lose a habit: We can reverse engineer the habit loop as a self awareness tool. I’m a big proponent of using every situation, every moment as an opportunity to increase your self awareness by objectively observing how you react and identify what your natural tendencies are. You may have heard phrases along the lines of “acknowledging your problem is the first step to recovery”. In the case of losing a behaviour, this would be too true. Once we begin to become aware of the destructive behaviour(s), you will gain the ability to become aware of your environment and the triggers that lead you to the negative behaviour. As we exercise stopping the behaviour and connecting to our reason why, we will become stronger and more able to continuously choose to not succumb to impulses or existing negative habit patterns.
"Atomic Habits" by James Clear
This is a widely popular read that emphasises the concept of small, incremental changes that lead to significant habit transformations. Clear suggests focusing on the process rather than the outcome, implementing habit stacking (linking new habits to existing ones), and using habit tracking to monitor progress.
Using it to lose a habit: Focusing on the process, will help us to actively avoid the path towards falling automatically into negative habit patterns. It can be overwhelming to change a default behaviour that is so ingrained in our lives. Often we’ve built other aspects of our life around it. Years ago, at the height of a binge and purge cycle I’d developed, instead of acknowledging my fear about my inability to exercise self-control, I’d simply avoid the whole social situation. This lead to loss of friendships and connections and a lack of purpose.
By realising that genuine connections were crucial to my mental health, purpose and happiness, I began to focus on the incremental moments, empowering myself to be honest, say no, and not feeling pressured. By breaking down the situation moment by moment, I’ve been able to discontinue generalising something large, such as a social event with lack of control and significantly transformed the hold that my negative habits had on my life.
"Tiny Habits" by BJ Fogg
Fogg presents the idea of starting with tiny, easily achievable habits that gradually expand over time. He emphasizes celebrating small wins and designing your environment to support habit formation.
Using it to lose a habit: Sometimes, we simply need to stop a habit head-on. I can’t emphasise the positive impact that our environments can have on our ability to stop a habit. Take cigarette smoking for example. If you’re wanting to stop for health reasons, and for your ability to run around with your kids and grandkids for many decades to come, having a few decks laid out around the house and in your bag pockets isn’t going to help you quit.
If we remove the temptation, we are less likely to succumb to the behaviour and over time, our will power will increase. It then becomes easier to stop an existing habit pattern.
Summarising these concepts, here are some practical steps to stop a habit:
Understand your why; Your reason to stop: Define the specific habit you want to cease and articulate why it is important to you. Having a clear reason provides motivation and direction, especially in the heat of the moment, when temptation or the inertia toward the negative behaviour is strong.
Start Small: Break down the situation around the undesired habit into achievable action that empowers you to actively choose something else. For example, if your goal is to stop gaming for half the day, acknowledge the desire and actively choose an activity that in that moment will help you feel more proud of yourself afterwards.
Identify Cues and Don’t Respond: Determine the triggers or cues that usually prompt you to engage in the negative habit and practice becoming aware of these. Eventually you will be able to dissociate yourself with the trigger, meaning they will no longer have that negative hold on you.
Establish a Routine: Create a consistent routine that helps you to change the negative habit. If you want to stop your tendency to fall into a binge eating spiral, pre-plan and communicate your meal plan with those around you, to avoid falling into the all-or-nothing mentality of your old behaviours.
Reward Yourself: Celebrate your progress and reinforce your decision to stop a behaviour by providing yourself with evidence that your life is becoming better. Acknowledge your energy levels, happiness or enriched relationships through the loss of a behaviour. There is nothing wrong with positive reinforcement with a reward for your efforts to lose a habit.
Stay Accountable: Share your habit-losing journey with a friend, family member, or social group. Having someone to hold you accountable and root for your self development can increase your chances of success.
Stopping a habit, just like building a brand new habit will take time, a hell of a lot of dedication - and consistency. However I believe it’s an essential and undervalued part of our continued evolution and self development.
Be patient with yourself, embrace setbacks as self-awareness opportunities, and maintain a strong connection to your ‘why-you-need-to-stop’, throughout the process.
I’m rooting for you!
