Creeping self doubt
Mark Twain said, there is no such thing as a new idea. Our subconscious is but an amalgamation of our environment, our company and the media we consume. Every thought, opinion and preference has been influenced by our surroundings and our interactions - and we rarely take a moment to check its validity. We’re often not even aware of our automated daily thoughts and responses in every day scenarios. We interpret the world through our own unique lens tainted by our experience within the world. I’m reflecting on this, as I approach each obstacle or opportunity that I have been facing lately. Trying to understand the residue left from interactions and meetings. Reflecting more deeply on my own relationship with my family and partner, and trying to consider what their lenses are, why we react or act in certain ways that I may not understand or connect to. Is it me? What is tainting my own biases, what baggage am I carrying from my past experiences, my upbringing and the stories of my own identity.
I’ve had a few friends and acquaintances reach out to me in recent weeks. Feeling bogged down by expectation, disappointment, overwhelm. Feeling run down by work and life. In these cases, all I’ve been able to do is listen, provide solace and possibly share some resources of networks or books that have helped me. While mental health is talked about more often and widely accepted as a legitimate health concern, for the person going through it, it can feel like you’re in a dark tunnel with no light. In a Tim Ferris’s podcast I’ve been listening to, Chris Palmer (MD Harvard school of medicine) talked about it being the number one cause of death of people in the world - and it’s not because of a lack of treatments. The treatments out there are either inaccessible or not suited for the individual. It’s not easy asking for help or sharing your anxieties with people, even your loved ones. It reminds me it is important to take stock, be humble when someone reaches out and remember to constantly cultivate hope for my own darkest times.
It’s interesting and not a coincidence that these feelings in so many around me, are coming up more pronounced now than ever before. Many have been in the work force for years and have been happily able to balance careers with their hobbies, friends and social lives. It’s like we are all more attuned to our inner dialogue. Personally, I’ve never been an overly shy person. I can be quiet, but am very comfortable being extroverted and striking up a conversation with a fellow stranger. However in the more recent years, maybe spurred by Covid, I find myself being super self conscious and evaluating my actions and others in a more critical way. What was once second nature, has become effortful and overthought. After having to be so cautious and careful, mentally and physically we must familiarise ourselves to the new post-pandemic social norms and queues. I understand that we can’t help but feel a little (or a lot) more sensitive to our happenings. It’s like being in a quiet library and walking into a rave.
While I’m working to channel my own discomfort and adjustment into my creative work, it can easily tip into a feeling of hopelessness that I sense from some around me. For myself, one negative result of the overthinking is that I feel shadows of self doubt and a severe lack of confidence. The days have gone by so fast, it’s easy to question my skills and abilities - and not feeling enough. I forget who I am and what I am capable of. Imposter syndrome at the idea of making something on my own. I’m working on building back up knowing I have a lot to offer. I’m grateful for the people I have connected with to share experiences and each have offered a different lens of the situation, different suggestions or a listening ear.
Whatever the creative challenges, and difficulties focusing, I am so grateful for the space and time to work through these thoughts. I’m grateful for health.
Currently listening to: Tim Ferris’s Podcast with Chris Palmer, Harvard MD of medicine, Today Explained, Consider this by NPR
What I’m currently reading: The life you can save by Peter Singer
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