A Letter to Everyone Giving Us Unwarranted Parental Advice
Dear Experts Who Never Asked If We Needed Your Expertise,
First of all, thank you. Your unsolicited advice is a constant reminder that parenting is apparently a group activity—and that everyone we know (and many people we don’t) are on our parenting board of advisors. It’s comforting to know that no matter where we are—grocery store, doctor’s office, our living room—someone will be there to tell us exactly how we’re “doing it wrong.”
But since the flow of advice seems endless, I thought I’d take this moment to respond.
I get it, your advice is... Well intentioned?
You probably mean well when you tell us our baby is cold (even though they’re bundled up, and even if it is 30 degrees celsius outside) or warn us that we’re “spoiling” them by holding them too much (I’ll hold my baby as much as I like; the little guy is 4 weeks old and adjusting to this world). But here’s the thing: we’re doing our best. And sometimes, your advice feels less like helpful guidance and more like a list of things not to do, “just because”.
We didn’t study for this. But neither did you, so your opinion is not gospel.
Yes, we’re first-time parents. Yes, we’re sleep-deprived, winging it, and Googling things (“Is it normal for babies to hiccup after every meal?”). But just because we’re new doesn’t mean we’re completely clueless. We’re learning quickly, mindfully as we get to know our baby — and figuring out what works for us.
So, when you come guns blazing with your “tried and true” methods, please remember: what worked for you in 1988, heck even in 2024 may not apply to us. Babies don’t come with manuals and every baby is different.
There’s no “One Right Way” to parent. We should be given the right to choose our own way.
Whether it’s sleep schedules, feeding techniques, and all the topics to come (introducing solids, screen time, toilet training), parenting or “the act of bringing up a child” is dynamic and remaining adaptable. What worked/s for you might not work for us—and that’s okay! We’re writing our own parenting playbook, by responding to our child. While we appreciate the occasional tip or sharing, we reserve the right to ignore advice that doesn’t work for us.
Read the room!
Here’s a quick tip for you, dear advice-givers: timing is everything. Telling us how to get our baby to sleep through the night when we’ve been rocking them at 3 a.m. isn’t helpful—it’s bloody infuriating. Telling us that we should turn the TV on while baby is sleeping to “get them used to the noise” is headache inducing. Telling us we’re “feeding them wrong or too much” while we’re responding to the babies hunger cues—it’s hilarious, actually.
Also, if we didn’t ask for advice? That’s your cue to hold back.
Now, don’t get me wrong. We love support. We love encouragement. What we don’t love is judgment or personal opinion disguised as advice. If you really want to help, here’s what you can do instead:
Bring me coffee (Ice latte with 2 sugars, ta). Or snacks.
Tell us we’re doing a great job—even if our baby is wailing to the moon and their nappy is on crooked.
Offer to hold the baby while we nap, shower, or take a kit-kat break for a minute.
In conclusion, I know you mean well. I know you care. But please trust us to figure this parenting thing out in our own way. We’ll be fine — maybe better off mentally — without your misguided advice.
Yours truly,
The Parents Who Didn’t Ask for Your Advice
