Failure is not the exception, it is the rule

Failure has been the name of my game the last few months. Or so that’s how I perceived it. From book writing, job hunting, trying to build communities to even abstract things such as being a good wife, daughter, sister, friend. I feel like I’m not doing enough and haven’t been giving it my best.

The more activities I undertook and the more that fizzled, the more I’d be attracted to try something new, in hopes that one of the pursuits would stick. Instead, the act of putting more things on my plate, ended up overwhelming me and dividing my attention. Inevitably I’d give up and it would expand on my ‘list of failures’. This would add to my sense that I was not good enough to achieve or do anything I put my mind to. Self-doubt and lack of confidence do not create a good headspace for creativity or resilience.

Sometimes, we need fresh perspective from someone else.

In these moments of feeling lost or hopeless, I often find it helpful to reach out and connect with people for a fresh perspective.

I was speaking to an old colleague and good friend who lives across the world. We connect every few months via video-call, usually to discuss life updates, learnings, things we are working through and sometimes events in the world. In our most recent catch up, he kindly listened to a monologue outlining my disappointment and spiralling self-deprecating opinions I had of the outcomes in my recent life pursuits. (I’ll note, that it was far from my usual calmer and optimistic state from an accumulation of months of uncertainty and stress).

Amongst other nuggets of wisdom, he said something of note, that knocked some perspective into me. He said: “You are good. Remember, failure is not an exception, it is the rule.”

Failure is not an exception, it is the rule.

I didn’t realise how much I needed to hear that. I’d somehow fallen back into the conventional idea (fed to me for most of my life in school and my career) that hard work automatically equaled success. Success being something that feeds out ego by providing something I could flaunt to others. It reminded me that working with purpose and vision was how I wanted to and should be defining my own success. 

Instead of focusing on the act of creating, learning and doing, I had been focusing on outcomes that didn’t reflect on myself or my work. I was reminded that each task and project are simply opportunities to learn more about myself and make new decisions.

Talking to my friend, I remembered that, despite how we are conditioned, success is not defined by money, status, belongings and respect. That often has a lot of us believing that anything that deviates from that definition is often interpreted as flat failure. 

Volunteering my time to mentor young women through eating disorders is not failure, despite the constant cycles. Guiding group meditations for my community, even if only 1–2 people show up is not a failure. Taking longer than I expected to write a novel I am proud of is not a failure.

It took my friend reminding me that we all have our own challenges, and perceived failures, to remember that what I was perceiving as failure, was not an end and in fact a starting point and a part of the journey to end up where I want to be.

“Life’s challenges are not supposed to paralyze you; they’re supposed to help you discover who you are.” — Bernice Johnson Reagon

So these are my next steps to get back to work, without being knocked back by a few detours and set-backs.

Narrow down

I realise that splitting my attention between numerous activities does not allow thorough output. Even if the activities are all interesting and tempting to pursuit. I need to do less, to do more on the projects that I value.

“When you narrow down your range, the aperture you see is so much greater.” — Michael Snow

Keep trying

I can’t control my emotions, but I can acknowledge that they arise due to events that happen in life. Negative feedback on a chapter or writing project can make me feel sad, frustrated and inferior. Instead of feeling down about it, I can make a conscious effort to learn, pivot or attempt it again.

“Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.” — Thomas Edison

Celebrate the wins

We are so biased towards negative events and set-backs. This can lead us weigh them far more heavily when they arise, compared to the achievements no matter how small. When outcomes do go our way or we achieve something that warrants a moment of attention, it’s important to acknowledge it. This is the only way we can learn and continue to build momentum as well as become resilient in our life pursuits.

“The accumulation of small achievements is the only way to do something incredible.” — Fumio Sasaki

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If we remember that failure is not the exception, and that it does not reflect on our self worth, we can continue to rise up, grow and evolve thanks to it. Failures and hard work are the norm, and it’s the wins that should be treated as the exception. 

Keep failing, and keep going.