Are You A Sponge? Stop Soaking It In And Be Free.

Sometimes I feel like a sponge. Absorbing the energy of the world and allowing small interactions and thoughts to soak in and make me damp and heavy. It's neither a glamorous analogy or a pleasant mental space to inhabit. The worst part, is when unprompted memories or thoughts make appearances in my minds eye, drawing me further and deeper into the vortex that is angst and despair. We push these feelings into the crevices of our beings, and externally smile and soldier on, never truly dealing with the unsolicited thoughts that provoke it. This is what it is to survive, instead of thrive.

Instead of a sponge, it would be far better to be a pebble. A smooth, cool stone where water slides off with little effort. While it can change gradually over time from extended exposure to certain elements, it's unaffected and inert to them. It is resilient, grounded and retains its' own energy in nature despite its' surroundings.

Why do so many of us continue to be sponges in this way. We bog ourselves down with negativities and stress until we are so flooded with water, that we need a good wringing out. We reset, and allow the cycle to restart. Sure, when there is no hardship, or "water" to soak up, we can operate without noticing what we hold on to. Although, lots of us are addicted to drama and will create it out of nothing. Voila - water.

How can we deal with the thoughts and interactions that weigh us down? How can we become more like a smooth pebble that feels the water, but doesn't soak it in?

My own journey in this space, as a hyper-sensitive being involves being less finite about the world. Rarely is anything black or white. We must grow out of "making up our mind" about a situation, and be open to other possibilities and take-aways. We're encouraged growing up (and our whole lives), that A equals good and right, and B is bad and should be avoided. Question why and is that believe harming you?

These tools are how we can challenge those automatic categorisations that are causing us to suffer unnecessarily. The terminology from the first two, is borrowed from Stutz, the Netflix documentary, but the concepts are practical and similar to other traditional mindfulness practices.

• Radical Acceptance

  Every event, interaction, experience has value. Even if the negativity of the situation has impacted you, it's about dwelling on the learnings and what you will do going forward. This means avoiding snap judgments and avoiding latching onto negative thoughts and interpretations long after the event has passed. Or in other words, accepting it.

  It's empowering to think that even the most upsetting or negative events in our lives can teach us something or change us in ways that would not have been possible without it.

• Grateful Flow

  It's been long noted that gratitude will help us be present and focus on the positive abundance in our lives. By now, many of us know that we are hard-wired from caveman times to interpret threat and negativity from our surroundings. It's so easy to complain and knitpick the things that didn't go our way. Gratitude then, is the antidote, that helps cut through these unhelpful, nagging observations.

  The process of curating a Grateful Flow is a practice available for anyone at any time. You don't need to spend money on a new notebook, or the latest mindfulness app. We first start listing (out loud or in your mind) things you are grateful for - the smaller the better. Be specific and intentional (Husband, family, Friend A, my couch, my pet rock... etc). We then feel the sensation of gratitude spread through our body, eventually shifting our attention on the sensation of gratitude. This is the grateful flow. Connecting to the source will help us be open and kinder to ourselves.

• Loving Kindness

  This technique of meditation was made popular by Tara Brach's body of work. She is a PhD psychologist and meditation teacher. The practice involves embodying feelings of compassion, empathy, sympathetic joy and equanimity and "sending" these energies and intentions to people that come into our mind. This includes those that may be causing us pain or suffering.

  The actual meditation was developed long ago in Eastern buddhist cultures, with ancient Pali language having a word for what we've interpreted as Loving Kindness: Metta. The prayer or intention behind Metta Meditation is the following:

  May "all beings" be happy, healthy and whole. May they have love, warmth and affection. May they be protected from harm, and free from fear. May they be alive, engaged and joyful.

Expectation is the root of all suffering.

Believing that we are owed or deserve something can lead us to hold onto pain, long after the actual painful part has happened.

It might feel good for a moment to hold onto a grudge, and there's actually science behind this. Apparently the biological behavioural systems related to holding grudges, resentment and anger, trigger the release of dopamine in our bodies. It is similar to the sensations of craving, and related to our bodies wanting to acquire justice or retribution. So it temporarily feels good or at least validating to relive that painful moment and potentially make it 'fair'. The anger solidifies our reality and gives us a goal to move towards, which may be petty retaliations or full out revenge.

These dopamine cycles don't contribute to our overall and long-term wellbeing. You're soaking up all the drama and negative thoughts, stressing out yourself and your system.

Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional.

While this mantra has buddhist roots, the quote is attributed to the Dalai Lama, arguably the chillest guy who walks the earth (don't @ me). We cannot control life; what events happen, who walks in or out. But we can choose how we react to situations and events in our lives and walk through hardships and negative interactions without continuing to be bogged down. Even if it hurt.

As with most mindset shifts or behaviour change, the advice is always easier said than done. It's the constant effort and motivation to thrive that will make the effort worthwhile and we see eventual change. Once we start it will make it easier for us going forward. It's all about the growth and betterment of ourselves and our wider networks.

Think about how empowering it would be to take each situation as an opportunity to learn or connect, instead of being a sponge in an ocean.